Wednesday, September 28, 2005

God Works in Meth-terious Ways

Remember the guy who shot up the Atlanta courthouse in March? Brian Nichols then escaped and hid out in a local woman’s house. He later gave himself up to police, Ashley Smith claimed, because the power of the Lord compelled him.

Apparently, God helps those who help themselves, and birds of a feather snort together. Smith apparently had some crystal meth lying around, like every good Christian woman.

Ironically, to me at least, Nichols first asked for marijuana, but Smith didn’t have any. Thus forever dispelling the myth of the “gateway drug”.

What I don’t get, is how anyone thinks they can attribute something “to God” if it was obviously in some way also related to illegal drugs, which we all know, are of the Devil.

I am quite aware that Genesis says all the animals and plants are ours to use, but I ask you, from what plant is crystal meth harvested?

I wasn’t aware the aforementioned substance had such criminality-quelling assets, were you? Perhaps if people at the Superdome hadn’t been relieved of their unmentionables, there might have been less violence? I certainly would have been happier to see quotes like “Oh God, the Frito-Lay muggings. Awful. There was an eye-poking incident with a with a Slim Jim, too. I swear, the cheese stick on the side saved his sight. Luckily, the heroin addicts had needles or Grampa’s insulin supply would have been useless.”

We’re an equal opportunity society, right? Or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. Why can’t we admit that perhaps drugs aren’t all bad, and God’s Mannequin in Rome kicking middle-aged gay men with no employment history or job experience into the streets isn’t an unmitigated good?

Crystal meth is not exactly what I have in mind, but think of the taxes we could get from marijuana sales alone. We could have a Katrina a week, power our vehicles with burning Washingtons, and still run a surplus. Praise Gawd!

We would have to establish a Strategic Brownie Preserve, but how hard could that be? I’m not seeing a lot of people saying “No! You may not bury chocolate waste in our county! What would happen if it sprung a leak?”

I’m thinking, if there is a God, he/she/it/they is terribly frustrated that we can’t figure this one out on our own. I imagine people pray (mostly when the teenager is an hour over curfew) “Oh God, please remove drugs from the world.”

I imagine God, as programmer, whacking his/her/its forehead area and yelling “It’s not a bug it’s a FEATURE!”

Anyway, I guess our lesson for the day is, always keep a little pick-me-up on hand, in case your home is invaded by a suspected rapist/murderer with a penchant for gunning down stenographers.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Lottski Bullshitski aka "Those Emails from Loving Friends"

Do you have “friends” that forward you every insipid e-mail they get that is anti-“your political position”? Actually, you can substitute any labeled group. Found an anti-lesbian article? Send it to Badphairy, I just bet that’ll make her day!!!

Seriously, I’m sick of this shit. I have conservatives in my family, and I don’t go out of my way at least once a month to forward them an e-mail that not only implies how little I respect their viewpoint, but that my entire e-mail list knows, too.

I know, I know, “Turn the other cheek”. Well, A: I’m not a christian, B: I only have four cheeks; they’ve all been used, and 3: How does passive aggressively saying nothing and being pissed for weeks add depth and value to the “relationship”?

I’ve been ignoring this idiotic tendency of hers for years. Nothing has changed. Isn't the definition of stupidity "doing the same thing repeatedly and each time expecting a different result"? Do I want to consider myself “stupid” by my own reckoning?

No, I don’t. I also don’t want to passively accept crap like this.

Like what?

Good Morning! Here something to piss of my liberal friends!

Great way to start off, eh?

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

Who is advocating the opposite, again?

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

Yes, that’s why we’re here, one of them keeps sending me dumbass e-mails like this.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

Oh, excuse me, I have to go finish my application to the Big Government Touchy-Feely Snap-On Tool House in the Sky. Seriously, who the hell writes this garbage?

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

Families named Bush, Skilling, Kennedy, Lay, Hoover, Hilton, etc, take note. What, you didn’t mean them? Oh, gosh, sorry.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

Awww, isn’t that cute, someone translated “The World Is Flat” into Russian, just for her.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

So, the staff of Terri Schiavo’s nursing home is next on the chopping block, right?

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

Let’s see, Martha Stewart? Doin’ fine. Keating Five, all now out of jail, have big-screen TV’s. My friend’s son who was arrested? Got to spend six years incarcerated on my dime, and use all his time studying and lifting weights. Wow, what “hard” time. He even had a color TV to watch.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

Odd, when this person’s husband was unemployed, this was not her attitude toward him. Oh, riiiiiiiiiiiight, she forgot to add “situation is totally different when it’s oneself or one’s mortgage-payor who is out of work.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American
means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Huh, I was under the impression that this person emigrated here from Russia because there were more rights here. If that’s not the case, hie your ass on a plane with your kids, baby, and tell me how bad the U.S. is from Siberia, mmm’kay? Otherwise, leave the parsing to the people born here.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!

And again, darlin’ you are at best, a naturalized citizen. You still speak English with a noticeable accent. Why don’t you learn to speak the language well, since you are so sure it is now “yours,” and you have appointed yourself as the Language Police? Wow, as someone from a place with the KGB, doesn’t the idea of people policing what language you speak seem…I don’t know, as if you have no concept of the past of your actual country of origin?


ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

This person has totally espoused the bullshit sense of entitlement that so many “Ugly Americans” evince. “Now that I’m hereski, everyone do it my wayski.”

You know, Fuck You. This is part of what makes this country suck, and you are proud of it. How wrong is that? This isn’t even one generation of “I married a guy, inherited his country, now I get to gloat about how badly it treats people, because it makes me feel better about my childhood.” Imagine what pains in the ass their kids are gonna be.

If you have one or two people who forward you crap like this, tell them in no uncertain terms that this is not what you consider discourse or discussion, and if they would like to send it somewhere, send it to their recycle bin.

Imagine all the people, sharing the world in peace. With “friends” like this one, I don’t see it happening.

BTW, these are the same people who invited me to do another Faire with them but said it was their group’s policy that cross-dressing isn’t “allowed.” Actually, no females were allowed on stage at that time, so cross-dressing was an accepted device for the stage, and if you’ve ever seen “Orlando” you’d know other people did it, too.

I think it was just another ploy to get me into “proper female clothing”. Having gone rounds of that with my mother already this year, I passed. Additionally, I have spent a considerable sum of money on my Faire costume, and coming up with as much or more for female costume seemed prohibitive.

Спасибо ни за что, суку.