Wednesday, September 28, 2005

God Works in Meth-terious Ways

Remember the guy who shot up the Atlanta courthouse in March? Brian Nichols then escaped and hid out in a local woman’s house. He later gave himself up to police, Ashley Smith claimed, because the power of the Lord compelled him.

Apparently, God helps those who help themselves, and birds of a feather snort together. Smith apparently had some crystal meth lying around, like every good Christian woman.

Ironically, to me at least, Nichols first asked for marijuana, but Smith didn’t have any. Thus forever dispelling the myth of the “gateway drug”.

What I don’t get, is how anyone thinks they can attribute something “to God” if it was obviously in some way also related to illegal drugs, which we all know, are of the Devil.

I am quite aware that Genesis says all the animals and plants are ours to use, but I ask you, from what plant is crystal meth harvested?

I wasn’t aware the aforementioned substance had such criminality-quelling assets, were you? Perhaps if people at the Superdome hadn’t been relieved of their unmentionables, there might have been less violence? I certainly would have been happier to see quotes like “Oh God, the Frito-Lay muggings. Awful. There was an eye-poking incident with a with a Slim Jim, too. I swear, the cheese stick on the side saved his sight. Luckily, the heroin addicts had needles or Grampa’s insulin supply would have been useless.”

We’re an equal opportunity society, right? Or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. Why can’t we admit that perhaps drugs aren’t all bad, and God’s Mannequin in Rome kicking middle-aged gay men with no employment history or job experience into the streets isn’t an unmitigated good?

Crystal meth is not exactly what I have in mind, but think of the taxes we could get from marijuana sales alone. We could have a Katrina a week, power our vehicles with burning Washingtons, and still run a surplus. Praise Gawd!

We would have to establish a Strategic Brownie Preserve, but how hard could that be? I’m not seeing a lot of people saying “No! You may not bury chocolate waste in our county! What would happen if it sprung a leak?”

I’m thinking, if there is a God, he/she/it/they is terribly frustrated that we can’t figure this one out on our own. I imagine people pray (mostly when the teenager is an hour over curfew) “Oh God, please remove drugs from the world.”

I imagine God, as programmer, whacking his/her/its forehead area and yelling “It’s not a bug it’s a FEATURE!”

Anyway, I guess our lesson for the day is, always keep a little pick-me-up on hand, in case your home is invaded by a suspected rapist/murderer with a penchant for gunning down stenographers.


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