Life and the Right to Lie

I slaughtered millions this morning. Young, old, didn’t matter, I killed them ruthlessly. Not only that, I gloried in it. I even took pains to use special artificial chemicals engineered over decades to ensure even greater mortality than the previous chemicals which were inefficiently made directly from the bodies of animals. So did you. Was I playing video games? No, I was showering.

I think the Right to Life people should take note of this. Every time you squirt soap into your hand, you are participating in the genocide of millions of hapless bacteria. Every time you pay your water bill, you enable them to add components of mustard gas to your drinking water (ordinary chlorine).

Where, I ask you, is Fred Phelps and company? Why aren’t there protesters outside every municipal water treatment facility in the country? Don’t they know that the daily War on Germs costs more than 400 billion trillion quadrillion kajillion (probably an understatement) innocent lives? That’s not even counting the viruses killed, because those hypocrites (as well as the scientific community, who knew they agreed on anything) don’t even believe viruses are life as we currently define it? Talk about having it both ways!

I think the Right to Life movement needs to drastically widen its scope. What about those cruel yellowjacket traps that attract them in with the promise of sweet fulfillment yet turn out to offer nothing but a prolonged and ugly death. Who says yellowjackets don’t have a right to life? Pat Robertson doesn’t ever say it, so whose “life” is so important then? Didn’t the Bible say “Suffer the little children”, so you know, Jesus meant for children to get stung. Yellowjackets don’t even die after stinging, and God made them that way, on purpose. Doesn’t that tell you something about God’s will, here? Huh? Wake up, dammit!

I say something needs to be done about the slaughter of all sorts of lifeforms (and viruses), and if a group of people wants to scream about rights to be alive, well, they should start with those lives who are being undervalued the most. Why, your local Wal—sorry---Target actually sells products that tout how much better at killing they are! Might as well sell guns, why don’t they?

Have you ever witnessed the interminable minutes of a cockroaches’ slow agonizing death due to nerve poison? How could any God-loving Christian fail to see the parallel to the Via Dolorosa? (I am currently engaged in the whittling of toothpicks into tiny replicas of the True Cross in case anyone wants to stage an arthropodian re-enactment, but I digress.)

In my opinion, the Right to Life movement is currently mired in hypocrisy. They should be eschewing the death of anything at all, including their own. They need to wise up, stop showering, stop treating their water, stop contributing to the mass insect die-off, and stop using fossil fuels, because what is that really but contributing from deaths millions of years old? There is no statute of limitations on the Right to Life!

I think it’s time we call them what they are, the Right to Lie movement, and until they become shaggy, stinky, itchy pedestrians, they have no right to be taken seriously in any context.

/This message brought to you indirectly from the good folks at Guinness Brewing Ltd., St. James Gate, Scotland.