Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Panther Pussy -- Not in a Good Way

I tried to ignore the Panthers cheerleader story (which is basically every straight man’s dream, cheerleaders having sex with each other *gasp*), but it’s gotten too good. Now some unrelated chick (jealous?) is suing one of them for punching her? (Yeehaw, catfight!!)

First off, you interrupt two actual lesbians having sex in a bathroom stall, and you’re probably going to get more than one eyeful. I think interrupting is inexcusable, especially without a warning shot or at least a wicked phlegmy throat clearing.

Even more egregious, the punchee is suing for $15K? How long has she been going to Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon? 15 thousand dollars is an awful lot of money. I have seen nowhere any evidence of broken teeth, or as is more likely, fractured acrylic nails.

I’m sorry but no self-respecting lesbian would sue for this much money for getting punched once, unless it involved major reconstructive surgery afterward. In fact, the alleged victim Melissa Holden admits “It swelled immediately and turned purple.” Not, “my eye fell out onto my cheek and I had to use duct tape to hold it in while I drove myself to the hospital”. She obviously does not understand the concept of the “bar fight,” nor the concept of “bragging about the bar fight.”

No, no, the whole point of getting in the way of someone’s fist (dumbass thing to do if’n ya ask me), is to brag about said swollen purple trophy the next day. I mean, come on, you’re a lesbian. You can always say “Waal, we were at the Applebee’s and this stupid frat boy’s looking at my woman’s ass. He got me once, here in the eye, then I cleaned his clock, repaired it, reset it, and sent him on his way back to clock-obfuscation class, and what’s more I’ll repeat said actions the next time I see him again, too!”

As long as your girlfriend agrees to swoon and dimple every time you say it, it’s free beers for you for the foreseeable future. The court case may be for 15k, but a story like that can last a lifetime if managed carefully.

No, this idiot Melissa person is obviously not just a femme, but a straight one. I’m learning to love the gay femmes; the straight ones, not so much.

I can’t believe there are this many straight women who are this clueless about lesbians. This is obviously not a scenario in which any of these women are lesbians. Why? Because they are obviously oblivious to the rules. What rules? Come with me, children, Mama’s gon’ tell you some very important information.

Badphairy’s Rules of Lesbian Sex and Barfighting ™:
Rule 1. Do not talk about Lesbian Sex in Bars (unless men are paying you).
Rule 2. Do not interrupt Lesbians Having Sex in Bars.
Rule 3. Someday It Will Be Your Turn.
Rule 3. Following Rule 2, Will Make Rule 3 More Probable.
Rule 4. No Matter What Happened, By Tomorrow You Will Have Won and Orgasmed.
Rule 5. Rule 4 Does Not Change.

Now, do you see how these three women are not lesbians in any way shape or form? No one has declared herself the winner thus all three are LOSERS. There is a completely un-bragged about black eye (the horror). And NO MEN ARE PAYING FOR THIS MASTURBATION FODDER!

We simply cannot allow this situation to continue. The only thing we can do is an all out media blitz. So, find the cutest lesbians of all body types, and videotape them having sex. Mail them to me, and we’ll saturate the media with images some lesbian (namely me) is getting paid for…to once and for all attempt to educate the American public on the subject of real lesbians having sex, vs. straight girls attention-whore-mongering.

Or I’ll just end up with the largest collection of actual lesbian pornography in the world. What’s not to like? I’ll charge for ahem “entry” to a website of some sort, and we can use the money for “things beneficial to the lesbian community”, yes that’s sufficiently vague.

In any case, send me video, for I need to get the images of these three drunken straight girls behaving badly out of my mind.

Thank you in advance, for my viewing pleasure.

1 Comments:

Anonymous firebird said...

I have no idea what the rest of this article is about, but the idea of people sending you sex tapes is a good one.

2:06 PM  

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